Dani Oliver

I am all seeing, all knowing.

I've never stuck around long enough for anyone to truly appreciate this fact.

I freaked people out when I was 2 in England. At 3, I was freakin' them out in Germany. I celebrated my 4th birthday in Canada.

Things changed when we moved to Canada. The magic (my muse) was gone. For a while, the voices stopped. Search as I might, I couldn't find the faerie folk. I found Canada to be devoid of magic. Then I discovered the "natives" whom we referred to back then as Indians. At 5, we had a native lad come stay with us, called "George" (if I remember correctly). I was fascinated. Back then, at the age of 5, like any child I was full of questions, and finally I found someone who could quite calmly and reasonably explain everything to me. It was around this time that I found the water again. Let me explain. I was born in England which means I was naturally surrounded by water. When we moved to Canada, we first moved to Toronto. The nearest body of water was Lake Ontario. It did the trick. I discovered that any time I was close to water, I felt at peace. The voices inside my head were silenced, or at least, made quieter. While not like the magic I found in England and even in the more stern Germany, I did find magic in Canada. Even so, a part of me has longed for "home" for all these many years.

I wasn't like other children. I saw things that others didn't see. It didn't mean they didn't exist -- although as I grew older, I became more convinced that there must be something wrong with me. Not so. As the years have gone by, I have met others who, like me, also see or sense these same things. By the age of 11, I denounced one figure who was prominent in my life until that time, my imaginary friend "Johnny" (or maybe his name was spelled Joni, I don't know). At the first stage of self-realization (12), I became innately aware of the fact that what I was seeing was not a curse, delusion or *cough* case for exorcism (for the record, I underwent an exorcism at the age of 11). I saw the people around me as being in denial, and refusing -- most often out of fear -- the spiritual presences around them. It confused me. It was at this time that a friend invited me to church (which, for the sake of clarity, I will identify as a Christian connotation). I was inspired and vivified by the magnetism of their hope and faith. It was a beautiful thing, but I felt it was misguided. They were on the right track, but the wrong medium. I felt they were in denial.

At this point in my testimony, I would like to offer an apology to my Catholic friends who will feel they are the brunt of this introspection; however, the church I attended was more along the lines of Pentecostal or Baptist. It was the closest I ever came to the Christian way of thinking. And I tried hard, oh boy, did I try, to see God the way they saw "Him". I wanted to believe, but I could not. It was a sham for me to even try.

I was blessed to have two parents who ultimately believed that faith was an individual choice. You had to find "God" for yourself. I prayed, I cried, I begged... "please let me believe". I wanted to have what others had - this essence of belief that inspired them and made them want to carry on. Even though I myself just could not believe, as hard as I tried, I respected and appreciated the power of belief. As such, I led many other friends "to the lord". Amen. Awesome. I was a conduit for God, even though I did not believe in Him. The friends I led to him remained with him for life (as far as I know).

Even though I wanted so badly to believe in this Christian God, apparently, according do those who felt they were the authority to dictate, led me to believe that the entity I consorted with was actually the Devil -- Satan himself. Well how cool is that? If Satan exists, then surely so must God. So to me, this was a step in the right direction. But unlike what they led me to believe, Satan did not tempt me, and he did not ask me to carry out evil deeds. If you're a devout Christian and feel the need to heavily criticize in defense of your own soul, this is an invitation for you to stop reading. Unfortunately, as I discovered the truth, others around me stopped believing in God and questioned, for themselves, which power was truly in existence.

So let me insert a little... hmmm... parable here.

We had a most interesting and respectful conversation on vent tonight. The majority of those present represent both the Christian and the pagan beliefs. We are an eclectic bunch where religious intonations don't matter as much as the spiritual connotations, and in that regard, we're pretty much all on the same footing....

(to be continued...)